Awesomeness Of The Day

I'm going to start off by assuming that my audience is at least somewhat as nerdy as I am, and is familiar with the show The Big Bang Theory and its characters.  This might be a poor assumption, but I'm giving you all the benefit of the doubt.  This is where, if you haven't, you tiptoe out and read the Wikipedia page real quick before I discover your total lack of hipness.

So my sister told me yesterday that while on The View, Johnny Galecki (who plays Leonard Hofstadter) explained why he had never bothered addressing the rumors that he was gay (he's not).  He said, "I've never really addressed those rumors because I always figured, why defend yourself against something that's not offensive?"

New favorite person.

Which just speaks for itself in awesomeness, and really ought to be shared.  So there you are.  You're welcome.

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Poll Results And Other News

What I've learned from the polls I've had up recently:

-Apparently my readers don't floss all that often.

-My readers mostly support LGBTQ rights, but some of them don't, and some of them don't even know what it means.  So I feel this is necessary: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer.  And their rights.  You're welcome.


In other news: In the past week I've caught up on all my laundry, made my bed, organized my drawers (by which I mean the drawers in the dresser and not my underpants, although they were, coincidentally, involved in that process), spent 3 hours on Skype with my sister and an hour on the phone with my mom, ridden my bicycle several times, eaten reasonably healthful and filling food, mailed the packages that have been sitting next to the desk for the last billion years, and defeated a UTI all on my own without antibiotics!  I also worked four of the last seven days and made significant contributions to my savings jar and to my debtors.

Yay for productivity!

OH and I almost forgot--I'm 22 now!  Woot!

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Paul Ryan Is A Douche Canoe (Nice Abs Or Not)

See all these beautiful pictures?  Know where they're taken?  Janesville, Wisconsin.  An absolutely gorgeous area, pretty little downtown, population of about 63,000, mostly white, mostly middle class.  It was the home of the first Wisconsin state fair, and boasts 20% of Wisconsin's buildings on the National Register of Historic Places.  Until 2008 the oldest GM factory in North America was located there, making me, being me, think of That 70's Show (which if you'll recall was set in fictional Point Place, Wisconsin).

Know what it's also home to?

This guy:

Now what's really worth mentioning is that when I did a Google Images search of "Paul Ryan," the "related searches" bar came up with this:

Uh....shirtless?  ...Abs?  Surely, a joke.  I mean he's not horrible-looking, like, say, Newt Gingrich.  But are enough people trying to find naked pictures of a vice-presidential candidate that TWO versions of their searches pop up right next to "paul ryan congress" and "rep paul ryan?"

What I'm really doing ranting about this is putting off clicking on those search options.  Because I admit, my curiosity has been spiked, but at the same time I'm a little afraid to see the search results.  Gah, I'm such a coward.  All right guys, I'm going in.

Holy damn.

I'm going to share.  Are you ready for this?

Ummmm....

I'm finding myself distinctly uncomfortable.  I mean we all know I have a weakness for those Wisconsin boys (Tyler's from a town only a couple hours from Janesville), but I have never found myself attracted to a political candidate I despised before.  In fact the only politician I've ever been attracted to at all was Barack Obama, and that was considerably more focused on his charming smile and considerably less so on his chest and shoulders.  Gulp. 

This man holds views you despise, Samantha.  Remember that!  And despite having a weatherman-style boyish face, he's actually the same age as your mother.  Okay??  This post was supposed to be about how someone who sucked came from a super gorgeous place!  And then fucking Google Images turned it into this absurd struggle between my brain and my hormones.

Oh shit.  And now further research has shown that Smallville's Tom Welling, one of the most across-the-board, perfectly attractive actors Hollywood ever produced, also lived in Janesville as a child.

God help me.


Okay, we're going to get serious about this guy (to take my mind off his physique).  Now Paul Ryan is more a budget guy than anything else, and that's a subject I've always found a little intimidating.  When it comes to fiscal matters I often find myself not informed enough to form a solid opinion, so I'm going to skip right past those with only this input: I have no fucking clue.  Paul Ryan might be a fiscal genius or a total loon, and trying to decipher which is true is giving me a headache.

So let's address some matters that I do have distinct opinions on:

-Abortion.  I fully support another person's right to be of the opinion that abortion should be illegal.  I also support my own right to disagree completely and mock them heartlessly on my blog.  Mr. Ryan, your abortion-related opinions suck balls.  Even in cases of rape or incest??  Seriously??

-Women's health.  He voted to stop funding Planned Parenthood and Title X family planning programs, he thinks emergency contraception shouldn't be available over-the-counter, and counts in-vitro fertilization and even certain forms of birth control as abortion.  He believes states should have the right to criminally prosecute and punish women who have abortions (even in cases of rape or incest, and even within his very broad definition of abortion).

-LGBTQ rights.  Mr. Ryan strongly opposes same-sex marriage and opposed the repeal of DADT.  He also doesn't believe same-sex couples should be allowed to adopt.  Gross.

-Gun laws.  Now here's something that often surprises people about me: I do fully support the right to bear arms.  I like that there are certain regulations for it (I mean let's not be extreme here), but I support the right.  I also like that each state has the freedom to regulate it as they please.  I believe it really is a constitutional right, even though of course firearms make me nervous too (they're dangerous! that's the point!) and I don't prefer them myself even as a self-defense weapon.  A crowbar will do me just fine in a zombie apocalypse or a break-in, thanks.  Paul Ryan is very pro-gun and I'm actually totally okay with that.  But what I don't like is this: he supports federal concealed-carry reciprocity legislation, one of the NRA's pet issues, which would allow people who hold concealed-carry permits in one state to carry them concealed in every other state.  But my friends--that's just as bad as making a federal law to ban them in all states.  The whole point here is that it is each individual state's constitutional right to make their own laws about this shit.  If South Carolina wants to let anyone carry anything and sell it paperlessly to whomever they want the day after, let 'em.  But if New York doesn't want people to carry their machine guns tucked in their coats they should be allowed to make that law too, and just because you're from South Carolina doesn't mean you don't have to follow New York's rules while you're in New York.  Honestly, that's just good manners.


On a slightly more light-hearted note (that still speaks volumes), Rage Against the Machine's lead guitarist Tom Morello responded in Rolling Stone to Paul Ryan's declared fondness for their music, "Paul Ryan's love for Rage Against The Machine is amusing, because he is the embodiment of the machine that our music has been raging against for two decades."

Lol.

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Unfortunately, Lots Of States Sort Of Suck: Employment Discrimination Laws

So I found out this morning some details about the laws surrounding employment discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity.

This subject is relevant to me and to my readers for a few reasons:


1. My blog is kinda sorta related to employment and this is about employment discrimination.

2. I and a significant percentage of my readers (I might even take a poll to prove this) are in support of LGBTQ rights.

3. I can write about whatever the fuck I want to write about.


The thought was sparked by some confusion over the Chick-fil-A incident.  The company does not, apparently, discriminate against its employees or its customers based on sexual orientation--the media outrage has been due to the company's monetary and moral support of certain anti-gay organizations.  But I had to do some digging around to find that out, because of course in their anger and confusion, people began spewing all kinds of accusations against the company and rumors were spread, etc.

Anyway, it got me thinking about the legality of such things.  I'm from Oregon, a very liberal state, and as long as I can remember it's been taken as a known fact that discrimination (for employment, government aid, you name it) based on sex, race, national origin, citizenship status (citizen, resident, temporary resident, anything legal), sexual orientation, gender identity, age within certain limits...all not okay.  It didn't even cross my mind that sexual orientation was not a part of the federal constitutional provision against such discrimination.  Most of those things are covered by the 5th or 14th amendment, but both sexual orientation and gender identity are not.

Which means that it's up to each individual state.

I searched the internet for one of those handy U.S. maps that breaks it down by state...and to my surprise, I didn't find one.  I had to dig through, of all things, a real estate management company's report, to find the information I wanted.  I decided that most people aren't going to do that and will give up trying to find that information, and that the more informed we are, the better.

So I made one.

Here it is:

Information Source: Institute of Real Estate Management Legislative Staff report made in July 2007. 

www.irem.org/pdfs/publicpolicy/Anti-discrimination.pdf

Take it away, Google Images!  Seriously, please.  That's where people will go to find this chart and I really want them to be able to.

Serious props to Washington, Oregon (Me!), California (My mom!), New Mexico, Colorado (My dad!), Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois, New Jersey, DC, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Vermont and Maine.  And honorable mention to Nevada, Wisconsin (Tyler!), Connecticut, New York (current residence!), and Maryland.

This is serious shit, I know.  I'm funny but I also have thoughts, and sometimes those thoughts are about serious things.  And sometimes those thoughts are about serious things without even making fun of them.

You guys rock.  Thank you for reading.  Please pass this information on or share it on your Facebook page or whatever.  Steal my chart and pretend it's yours if you'd like.  Impress a girl with it. 

Jill of all Trades: getting men everywhere laid by LGBTQ-supporters.

Keep rocking y'all!

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Nothing Like A Grown-Up

So I was watching Sex and the City the other day.

Don't you look at me like that.  Yes, of course I'm a thinking person.  What?  YES, I care about things other than shoes and boys!  NO, I don't own the boxed se--well, okay, I mean I own three seasons on DVD, but not...you know what, listen.  It's an entertaining show, and the characters are funny, and every once in a while they stop talking about Jimmy Choo's and Charlotte's reluctance to say the word "fuck" and actually delve into some brave, important topics.  So stop laughing at me!  Stop it right now!

And no, Sarah Jessica Parker doesn't look THAT much like a horse.  Lay off her.

ANYWAY, I was watching Sex and the City the other day and it was the one where Carrie goes out with the politician.  The one played by this guy (John Slattery):

The first time I watched that episode, when I was like 19, I didn't like the guy.  Really I didn't like MOST of the guys on the show and didn't understand how the girls kept calling all these farty old men in suits "cute."  But this guy reminded me of my first boss when I was 16, the 55-year-old realtor/mortgage broker.

But uh...after watching it again, he's totally appealing.

So is Chris Noth (Mr. Big), despite his heavy eyebrows.

Y'know?  I mean he's kinda handsome.  I can sorta see it.

Even Miranda's guy Steve (David Eigenberg), whom I've always adored--I adored him in a different way this time.  He's got a pretty hot body to go with that sweet, geeky face, you know.  I didn't catch that before.

 

So adorbs and so sexy at the same time.

All of this led me to think...am I attracted to men now?  I don't see the appeal anymore in those smooth, manicured, too-perfectly-muscled young men with the good hair that you see in ads and on Disney movies.  

No thanks, kids.  Is your dad around?

Yeah, I mean...they're nice to look at.  But I certainly can't imagine boning them.  All that hard muscle would get in the way, and probably hurt.  Nobody wants someone with 2% body fat, it's just not comfortable.  Besides, is it just me?  Or...have we started to idealize youth in men as well as in women?  And granted, I'm thinking men who look 19 or 20 seem to be idealized whereas in many settings women are idealized at closer to 15 or 16.  But still.  Gross.  I don't want some 19-year-old boy who has no idea where my clit is and doesn't know how to fill out tax forms.

I like me some chest hair on a man.

P.S. Bonus points if you know who the guy in the second-to-last picture is.  He was sort of my dream boy as a kid.  My cousin Valerie and I used to talk about him nonstop, and go to painful degrees of searching to find the parts in shows where he looked the cutest and that sort of thing.  It was a little bit disgusting, but it was the old days before wifi or even DSL.  A girl had to work pretty hard to gaze longingly at her celebrity crush.

What I've Learned From Other Comedians

1. I think too much.

Meaning I think too much about deep things and/or useless worries.  I could probably be funnier if I'd just chill the fuck out and spend more time getting drunk and/or high and thinking about pandas and funny dance moves and making up hilarious cartoons.

Oh my god someone combined all of those things.

2. Being blunt and strange is totally a good thing.

The strange part is definitely a plus for me.  The blunt part is something I'm good at 50% of the time, and the other half the time I'm a total pussy about saying what's on my mind.  Sometimes I feel like a goddamn schizophrenic, like one of my personalities is this badass who gives no fucks and talks about beer-can dicks and internet dating all over my public blog, and the other personality is all insecure and worried about what people will think and does things like hesitate to say fuck.  Yes, folks.  Sometimes Samantha Mother-Fucking Jill of all Trades hesitates to say fuck.  You see my confusion.


3. People seem to like it when you get your boyfriend involved.

Like not just talked about or part of stories or whatever, actually involved.  Like Jenna Marbles and Max No-Sleeves doing strange dance moves together and stuff like that.  And my boyfriend happens to be a hilarious person and a good writer too, and would also probably be a fun person to interview or video or something like that.  It's a thought.  I bet he'd help me out for the sake of comedy and world peace and general awesomeness.

Jenna and Max performing the "Milking Your Friend Who Is A Cow" dance move. Changing the world.

4. Content is everything.  Keywords count.  Selling out just enough that you write a blog about the 4th of July ON the 4th of July is huge.

I'm so fucking stubborn.  I'm like "no, surely what counts is writing exactly what you want to write, and if it's good, people will find and follow it."  But that's not strictly true.  Because if you don't market even a tiny little bit, how will anyone hear about you in the first place?


5. It is honestly and legitimately best to be yourself.

Assuming you're cute and funny and awesome.  Which I am.  So no worries there.

Duh.

6. Being clever and putting a lot of effort in really makes a difference.

Meaning stop dropping off the face of the planet for weeks at a time, Samantha.  And if you're going to half-ass your posts, at least make sure they're funny.


7. Appreciation of your followers is very, very important.

And I appreciate you guys a ton.  Every comment I receive is like a little piece of fairy-candy, and every new follower is like a summer meadow filled with fresh underwear and free strawberry ice cream.

Old

Why do kids have to grow up?  Like why do my little sisters have to go on dates and have babies, and why does my little brother have to talk about sexual stuff like he actually knows what he's talking about, and why do I have to see pictures on Facebook of the babies I used to sit going into first grade?

I'm only 22 (in 15 days)!  I shouldn't be feeling old already!

And what the fuck is up with my music getting its own station now?  There's seriously a radio station here in the Albany area that specifically plays everything on my ipod, the same way there was a radio station when I was a kid that specifically played everything my mom listened to in high school.  Am I old enough now that my music is from a past generation?  How long will it be till there's a station that's called "93.7: The best rock, pop, alternative, and a small sprinkling of mainstream rap and hip-hop from 1995 to 2005"???

And 90% of the television shows I watch, I watch on DVD.  Because they ended at least 5 years ago.  I still watch New Girl and How I Met Your Mother on the internet as they come out, but...that's about it.

It's also starting to weird me out that yes, I've always dressed oddly and I've always been proud of that, but I've also always been up enough on trends to be easily able to blend in if I wanted to.  Now...I'm starting to lose that touch.  When I try to dress "normally" I still end up looking kinda like my mom did in 2002 when she was still doing the 90's high-waisted mom-jeans and dark lipstick thing: good, just...a few years behind.

Ugh.

I might as well give up now.  I'll start going to bingo night, wearing clothes with elastic in them, collecting teacups with birds on them, and tipping 4% on the early bird special at Denny's.

Proof I'm From Portland

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my other clearly-from-Portland traits, such as environmental-friendliness, a love of craft beer, and a tendency to skip shaving my legs, I present further proof that I am from that kooky little Northwest city.

Not only did I bicycle the mile and a half to work today in a thunderstorm, without fear or fucks given, I also prepared fully with a change of clothes, socks and shoes, makeup to apply AFTER my face got rained on, a bag in which to carry them that kept them dry, a hairstyle that allowed minimal amounts of drenching, and enough time to sort all that out after I got there.

Oh yeah. I'm kinda hardcore.

I even left myself enough time for coffee. He is indeed a fool who doubts Samantha Mother-Fucking Jill of all Trades.